Dilemma.

When you are too free, you begin reflecting about your life but when you are so busy, you have no time for that. However, I have come to realise how reflections have made me think, feel and grow. When tears become inevitable these days, at least I am glad I am not numb to the stuff around me. Back in China, i know many people who believe in looking strong and tough but yet they know their heart is crumbling like nobody's business. I have learnt how impt it is to fully let ur emotions out, fully experience it so that the return of these emotions will not make you crumble again. Its acceptance and not avoidance.

These few weeks, I realised I am a different self, probably because this is the only time in so many years of my life i have got all the time to think throughly, esp after aw. I have taken on a different role in life, I realised many friends have come to me with their problems, asking how i will go about looking at certain things and whats more, they highly value and respect me for what i said. For that, I thought it was something I was incapable for. I never knew I had the ability to garner so much recognition from people around me and with that, I have taken a lot more responsibility to whatever i have said. I have to say aw plays a part, but surviving in china could have added on to that.

While many frens think I look confident and behave confidently, i am glad i appear this way but deep down, i wonder if i am as confident as i appear. Had a talk with a teacher and an extremely close fren ystd. I think trainings over the years have made me appear confident, esp thr things like public speaking, fencing competitions.. but it seems i am denying how capable i am though there are many many people out there who think i am so capable. I never knew such denial was an act of irresponsibility, but i guess it time i really have to be responsible for myself. I have an ambition, and yet I feel my future is so bleak because I do not have things laid out nicely for me, unlike a scholar. My teacher and friend told me I will get whatever I want and they think i will become some big figure in the civil service. While i yearn this will come true, i never believe i had the abilities of making this a reality.

Thinking of it, i feel sad for myself because i never trust myself enough that i have the capabilities of making all these a reality. Responsibility is a BIG word, bigger than it ever seems.

ok, this is emoish, but after all these thoughts, life seems meaningful...